Humility and service to others are deeply written onto our hearts because it is God's will. We ought to live in humble service to God and to each other. Seeing Christ in others and then offering ourselves to others is a fundamental part of the four Gospels.
This is why service and humiliation within a BDSM context are so easily sought, especially within fantasy. It is easy for the mind to say that there is no harm in these kinds of fantasies or actions because they are a direct perversion of service and humility. It is no wonder that BDSM grabs hold of people within the context of fantasy. For someone who has shut out God or who is confused and not actively focused on God, service and humiliation are made to feel right by the twisting of the world, the flesh, and the evil one. It is humble service to God and to others that the soul truly seeks.
Just as food is not a sin but gluttony is, service taken into the wrong context confuses a wandering soul. Unfortunately for many, wandering souls truly seek God, but stumble upon evil that appears to be good. Evil is seductive. It rarely jumps up and down, proclaiming itself for what it truly is.
I praise and thank God for showing me why my own sins were able to hold me hostage for so long. Now I must put this knowledge to good use, making sure I am serving him and serving others. Knowledge is the first step. Action must follow. I will continue to write about this journey for many reasons. One reason is that I feel called to do so. Another is that this message must be heard. Sexual perversion within the world of fantasy and within the world of BDSM exists for a reason. It isn't evil for the sake of evil. It is a twisting of one of our most intimate threads of a human fabric. God created us as sexual beings, and praise be to him for doing so! He is wise indeed! He is a creative creator who gave us such a wonderful gift in our sexuality.
Sexuality, in my opinion, draws many people away from God because God desires intimacy with us. Intimacy and all of its mysterious ways is what we desire. Intimacy with God and intimacy with others. False intimacy is destructive, but we can't see its destructiveness until we are removed from it, as is the case of someone who has committed sexual sins but later returns to Jesus. Because of the private nature of sexual sins, we must always pray for those who have wandered away from Christ in this way. People don't feel comfortable talking about sexual sins.
I don't feel comfortable writing about my own sexual sins, but I feel that I must because there are so, so many who are sinning in this private way behind closed doors. The doors may be the doors of their houses, but so many times it is behind the closed doors of their minds. The mind is both a spiritual haven and a spiritual battle ground. Prayer is an effective weapon because the Holy Spirit uses prayer to open the doors and windows of our minds so that our minds, bodies, and souls can clearly see each other within the houses of our whole person. They are interconnected in a way that only God understands, for he made us. He made us well.
Let us rejoice in the wonder of his creation, in us! Let us rejoice that God has designed us specifically for intimacy. Let us seek true intimacy with him and with others with joyful hearts. He calls us to draw near to him and take refuge, to delight in his peace. Let us serve him with humility.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Gifts
I try to reframe my attitude about my day. Often, I am unsuccessful and need reminders of what is truly important. Today's thought is, "What have I given today? What have I given to make somebody's day better?"
I also try very hard to think this way before the end of the day so that there is time left. Have I given time to others? Have I given my attention to others? Have I given any of the many gifts God has given me back to others?
Many times the answer is no. Why not change that? Why not change the answer to yes?
This is the pep talk I gave myself today. I need lots of pep talks. I'm tempted to set a reminder on my cell phone to give myself a pep talk when I need it.
Was my day about myself? About my aches and pains, my frustrations and fears? Or, was it about others? Was it about living in the present and giving of myself so that when I lay my head on my pillow at night that I haven't held myself back in reserves out of fear or selfishness?
There is always something that can be given, even if prayers are it. Prayers can be the most important of all. Even if I think about my little pep talk right before falling asleep, I can always give prayers. I can always give thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a gift to others as well, even if it is made in private.
Why?
The more thanksgiving I give, the better able I am to recognize that everything I have is a gift. Everything is mine only because it was given to me by God or by others. I can then give away anything I have because nothing is mine to begin with. (Oh, and I hate dangling prepositions, but even those are given to me by God, so they're free to hang out-- Praise be to God for the ability to speak, to write, to read, and dangle prepositions!)
There are so many gifts in life. I pray for the ability to recognize them, to give thanksgiving for them, to give them freely, and to always remember to pray.
Amen
I also try very hard to think this way before the end of the day so that there is time left. Have I given time to others? Have I given my attention to others? Have I given any of the many gifts God has given me back to others?
Many times the answer is no. Why not change that? Why not change the answer to yes?
This is the pep talk I gave myself today. I need lots of pep talks. I'm tempted to set a reminder on my cell phone to give myself a pep talk when I need it.
Was my day about myself? About my aches and pains, my frustrations and fears? Or, was it about others? Was it about living in the present and giving of myself so that when I lay my head on my pillow at night that I haven't held myself back in reserves out of fear or selfishness?
There is always something that can be given, even if prayers are it. Prayers can be the most important of all. Even if I think about my little pep talk right before falling asleep, I can always give prayers. I can always give thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a gift to others as well, even if it is made in private.
Why?
The more thanksgiving I give, the better able I am to recognize that everything I have is a gift. Everything is mine only because it was given to me by God or by others. I can then give away anything I have because nothing is mine to begin with. (Oh, and I hate dangling prepositions, but even those are given to me by God, so they're free to hang out-- Praise be to God for the ability to speak, to write, to read, and dangle prepositions!)
There are so many gifts in life. I pray for the ability to recognize them, to give thanksgiving for them, to give them freely, and to always remember to pray.
Amen
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Learning From Sin: Lies About Sexuality. Having a Master/Being a Master in a World of Fantasy
Upon attending church today, I swallowed hard when I heard today's Gospel reading from Matthew 23:1-12. The verse that stopped me in my tracks was, "Do not be called 'Master;' you have one master, the Christ."
As I have written elsewhere, I will repeat briefly here in case someone randomly reads this post without reading any of my previous posts. Before I returned to the Church and sought forgiveness for my sins, I had been writing erotica and erotic romance as well as an erotica blog as a side business/hobby. The works I had been writing all had BDSM themes, and usually the characters were in service to a master or masters as part of one of the main themes of my writing. Many of those same characters had dilemmas because they had to choose between different masters.
Ok, this is perhaps more than you, my reader, wanted to know, but I have to put it all out there because I felt called to leave church and immediately write a blog post on this topic because it is so important.
The human person seeks to have a master.
Jesus addresses this fundamental human longing in today's gospel, and it is a key idea to why some perversions of sexuality (BDSM) draw people so strongly, especially with the written word. There are people who act out BDSM but there are many, many more who buy written works containing BDSM themes as an escape to reality.
It has been my experience that when one shuts out Christ, the soul still seeks its master. We were made with this longing, this yearning for God so boldly written upon our hearts that when we shut out Christ we cannot stop seeking a master. We take many paths through dark valleys and then wonder why we experience discontentment with seeking out a human master, even if it is only within the world of fantasy.
"It's only a fantasy," I told myself time and time again when writing erotica. "It hurts no one."
What a lie! I lied to myself over and over again. The many rooms of our minds contain parts of hearts, parts of our souls, our yearnings, our longings, our passions, our emotions, and so many other parts of ourselves. When we fill many rooms with destructive fantasy, our minds become a house of mirrors in which those good longings become perverted until we no longer recognize them for the good things that they are.
Christ is our master, and he wants us to be of service to him and to others in his name.
And the desire to be master over someone else? This desire isn't something I wish to address in today's blog post because it contains too many subtopics for a single blog entry.
In Christian, married life, there is much freedom to living in the present. In contrast, seeking to always distract oneself from the present with fantasy is destructive on multiple fronts, not the least of which is that it opens the door to losing site of the many gifts one's spouse gives in the married life. It opens the door to disappointment in one's spouse because a person can never live up to a fantasy, regardless of how harmless the fantasy may seem at the time.
My prayer as I learn from my past is to be ever mindful of who my spouse is, how wonderful a man he is, and how blessed I am that God gave him to me to be my husband.
As I have written elsewhere, I will repeat briefly here in case someone randomly reads this post without reading any of my previous posts. Before I returned to the Church and sought forgiveness for my sins, I had been writing erotica and erotic romance as well as an erotica blog as a side business/hobby. The works I had been writing all had BDSM themes, and usually the characters were in service to a master or masters as part of one of the main themes of my writing. Many of those same characters had dilemmas because they had to choose between different masters.
Ok, this is perhaps more than you, my reader, wanted to know, but I have to put it all out there because I felt called to leave church and immediately write a blog post on this topic because it is so important.
The human person seeks to have a master.
Jesus addresses this fundamental human longing in today's gospel, and it is a key idea to why some perversions of sexuality (BDSM) draw people so strongly, especially with the written word. There are people who act out BDSM but there are many, many more who buy written works containing BDSM themes as an escape to reality.
It has been my experience that when one shuts out Christ, the soul still seeks its master. We were made with this longing, this yearning for God so boldly written upon our hearts that when we shut out Christ we cannot stop seeking a master. We take many paths through dark valleys and then wonder why we experience discontentment with seeking out a human master, even if it is only within the world of fantasy.
"It's only a fantasy," I told myself time and time again when writing erotica. "It hurts no one."
What a lie! I lied to myself over and over again. The many rooms of our minds contain parts of hearts, parts of our souls, our yearnings, our longings, our passions, our emotions, and so many other parts of ourselves. When we fill many rooms with destructive fantasy, our minds become a house of mirrors in which those good longings become perverted until we no longer recognize them for the good things that they are.
Christ is our master, and he wants us to be of service to him and to others in his name.
And the desire to be master over someone else? This desire isn't something I wish to address in today's blog post because it contains too many subtopics for a single blog entry.
In Christian, married life, there is much freedom to living in the present. In contrast, seeking to always distract oneself from the present with fantasy is destructive on multiple fronts, not the least of which is that it opens the door to losing site of the many gifts one's spouse gives in the married life. It opens the door to disappointment in one's spouse because a person can never live up to a fantasy, regardless of how harmless the fantasy may seem at the time.
My prayer as I learn from my past is to be ever mindful of who my spouse is, how wonderful a man he is, and how blessed I am that God gave him to me to be my husband.
Friday, October 21, 2011
It's Not that Complicated
A month to two months ago, I had what seemed like a million questions for God. I worried about a lot of things and tried to figure out how I was going to make things work. Some questions were very concrete in my mind while others were faraway like pollen in the September/October wind. I kept asking God and asking myself, "How can I...?" and "What do you want...?"
One day a few weeks ago, I was praying a walking rosary in the parking lot while on my lunch break, and God answered one of the larger questions. He waited until I had come to a brick wall of my own wondering. He waited until I had stopped to ask the questions of him that had really been bugging me.
From that point onward, he began answering a lot of other questions. For the first time in my life, answers simply arrived in my lap.
Granted, I have been spending a lot more time as quiet time lately. This has helped. Answers come at random times, but the are knocking on my door in a steady stream. A very steady stream. I am finding lately that I have a lot less anxiety.
I also have a whole new set of questions.
I have decided to wait. I will try to listen, wait, and stay busy with whatever God tells me.
And when I fail at this, as I so often do, I will place reminders in my life to stop and listen again, for I am in constant need of reminders.
The most recent reminder was the death on Monday of a very dear friend. She was in her eighties (I'm 30) and lived in Iowa. My husband and I drove all day Tuesday to attend her funeral on Wednesday and then drove all day yesterday to return to Tennessee. Not only did I get to see beautiful farmland along the way that I had forgotten how much I missed, but I also had a lot of thinking time.
Naturally, the answers God gave to me were not during the thinking/driving time but rather during the busier portions of the trip. God works that way a lot. He takes us where we are and is with us. I'm grateful that God doesn't wait to speak to us only for those times when we are still and listen. If that were the case, I'm afraid I'd still be off, running away from him. Instead, he sometimes whispers, sometimes shouts, sometimes tugs, sometimes pulls, and many times taps on the self-created boundaries we place around our hearts. He wants us to let him in. It's not that complicated. I need to constantly remind myself. It's really not that complicated.
One day a few weeks ago, I was praying a walking rosary in the parking lot while on my lunch break, and God answered one of the larger questions. He waited until I had come to a brick wall of my own wondering. He waited until I had stopped to ask the questions of him that had really been bugging me.
From that point onward, he began answering a lot of other questions. For the first time in my life, answers simply arrived in my lap.
Granted, I have been spending a lot more time as quiet time lately. This has helped. Answers come at random times, but the are knocking on my door in a steady stream. A very steady stream. I am finding lately that I have a lot less anxiety.
I also have a whole new set of questions.
I have decided to wait. I will try to listen, wait, and stay busy with whatever God tells me.
And when I fail at this, as I so often do, I will place reminders in my life to stop and listen again, for I am in constant need of reminders.
The most recent reminder was the death on Monday of a very dear friend. She was in her eighties (I'm 30) and lived in Iowa. My husband and I drove all day Tuesday to attend her funeral on Wednesday and then drove all day yesterday to return to Tennessee. Not only did I get to see beautiful farmland along the way that I had forgotten how much I missed, but I also had a lot of thinking time.
Naturally, the answers God gave to me were not during the thinking/driving time but rather during the busier portions of the trip. God works that way a lot. He takes us where we are and is with us. I'm grateful that God doesn't wait to speak to us only for those times when we are still and listen. If that were the case, I'm afraid I'd still be off, running away from him. Instead, he sometimes whispers, sometimes shouts, sometimes tugs, sometimes pulls, and many times taps on the self-created boundaries we place around our hearts. He wants us to let him in. It's not that complicated. I need to constantly remind myself. It's really not that complicated.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Learning From Sin: Lies About Sexuality. Submission is for BDSM
When I was writing erotica and my BDSM blog, the protagonist was almost always in a submissive or servant role. There is a deep psychology behind the, "bottom," in BDSM, but I will sum up briefly what God recently clued me into regarding why I was drawn to this type of perversion of sexuality.
There is a deep seated desire placed by God within us to serve God and God alone. There is also a deep seated desire he places in our hearts to submit our own wills to his will. Submission to God is so deeply ingrained within the deepest parts of our souls that it is an easy thing for the world and/or the devil to twist to their own purposes.
The soul longs to submit to God, for it is made in the image and likeness of God. It longs to be vulnerable to God's will. It longs to open itself to even to things that seem like they are destructive. Abraham was willing to kill his son Isaac at God's request because the desire to submit to God's will was firmly planted there.
But, when our hearts stray from God and our minds still seek a playground for vulnerability, the, "bottom," or "submissive," in BDSM play is born.
It has been my experience that there is great danger in this if the mind seeks vulnerability and submission for their own sake. God does not want us to be vulnerable only for the sake of being vulnerable. He uses vulnerability to draw us closer to him and to other people. When the mindset of a submissive in BDSM takes on the attitude that punishment for punishment's sake is desirable or that subservience for subservience's sake is desirable, then this is where perversion is born. There is no purpose in it other than sexual and psychological pleasure. The fruits of this kind of submission are not edible fruits that draw us closer to God but rather make us dependent on more of this type of submission in order for gratification to occur.
Gratification sought only for the sake of gratification and pleasure sought only for the sake of pleasure bear nothing but pleasure that is inflicted upon the "bottom/submissive." It is not a shared act. It is not an intimate act. It is an inflicted act; it is inflicted in body but most often it is inflicted upon the bottom/submissive in his/her mind. It has been most often my experience through writing erotica that it is an inflicted gratification/pleasure of the mind.
Just like pornography but perhaps even more so than pornography, this bottom/submissive mindset of BDSM brings about a need for more of the same. Normal sexual relations without this escape of the mind into fantasy become increasingly more difficult over time.
I don't think God desires this for his children. For those who are married, I believe that God wants the present to in the forefront of our minds.
There are natural, God-given ways for sexual submission to occur within the marital sexual act. There are ways that he designed our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls, that draw forth the fruits of vulnerability for the sake of intimacy, submission for the sake of sharing and growth, and service to the other for the sake of giving and receiving from each other.
It is in these tender places in our hearts, minds, and souls, that we must work to avoid perversion. They are the easiest places for perversion to take place, in my opinion. I believe they are so easily twisted because we always desire to make the other happy. We desire to please God. Keeping these types of longings in check with their true purposes and true fruits is necessary, especially for those of us who easily fall victim to the sin of submission of the mind for the sole sake of submission.
There is a deep seated desire placed by God within us to serve God and God alone. There is also a deep seated desire he places in our hearts to submit our own wills to his will. Submission to God is so deeply ingrained within the deepest parts of our souls that it is an easy thing for the world and/or the devil to twist to their own purposes.
The soul longs to submit to God, for it is made in the image and likeness of God. It longs to be vulnerable to God's will. It longs to open itself to even to things that seem like they are destructive. Abraham was willing to kill his son Isaac at God's request because the desire to submit to God's will was firmly planted there.
But, when our hearts stray from God and our minds still seek a playground for vulnerability, the, "bottom," or "submissive," in BDSM play is born.
It has been my experience that there is great danger in this if the mind seeks vulnerability and submission for their own sake. God does not want us to be vulnerable only for the sake of being vulnerable. He uses vulnerability to draw us closer to him and to other people. When the mindset of a submissive in BDSM takes on the attitude that punishment for punishment's sake is desirable or that subservience for subservience's sake is desirable, then this is where perversion is born. There is no purpose in it other than sexual and psychological pleasure. The fruits of this kind of submission are not edible fruits that draw us closer to God but rather make us dependent on more of this type of submission in order for gratification to occur.
Gratification sought only for the sake of gratification and pleasure sought only for the sake of pleasure bear nothing but pleasure that is inflicted upon the "bottom/submissive." It is not a shared act. It is not an intimate act. It is an inflicted act; it is inflicted in body but most often it is inflicted upon the bottom/submissive in his/her mind. It has been most often my experience through writing erotica that it is an inflicted gratification/pleasure of the mind.
Just like pornography but perhaps even more so than pornography, this bottom/submissive mindset of BDSM brings about a need for more of the same. Normal sexual relations without this escape of the mind into fantasy become increasingly more difficult over time.
I don't think God desires this for his children. For those who are married, I believe that God wants the present to in the forefront of our minds.
There are natural, God-given ways for sexual submission to occur within the marital sexual act. There are ways that he designed our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls, that draw forth the fruits of vulnerability for the sake of intimacy, submission for the sake of sharing and growth, and service to the other for the sake of giving and receiving from each other.
It is in these tender places in our hearts, minds, and souls, that we must work to avoid perversion. They are the easiest places for perversion to take place, in my opinion. I believe they are so easily twisted because we always desire to make the other happy. We desire to please God. Keeping these types of longings in check with their true purposes and true fruits is necessary, especially for those of us who easily fall victim to the sin of submission of the mind for the sole sake of submission.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Learning From Sin: Lies About Sexuality. It's not about the Present.
I firmly believe that one of the many blessings we have as followers of Christ is that when we sin, God gives us the ability to learn from our sins/failings/omissions. It is the ability to reflect upon what we've done wrong, why those actions were wrong, and that we can do so much better with God's help that we can pick up or cross and follow him. Even St. Peter who denied Christ three times was given the opportunity to affirm his love for Jesus three times. Then, later in his life, St. Peter was killed for his faith in Christ. I have no doubt that St. Peter had a lot of time to reflect in between those events.
With this idea in mind, I am going to do a few blog posts on the same topic: What I have learned about the lies of sexuality through my own sins of writing erotica.
Lie: Spending an lot of time fantasizing about sinful things enhances the sexual experience with one's spouse.
I do believe that God gave us the ability to fantasize, and that the mind is where all the sparks fly. But, where does the mind really go when thinking about unholy things? What I mean is, if I am thinking about a wonderful, intimate sharing with my spouse in the past, this is a good thing. If I am thinking about something I intend to share with my spouse in the future, this is a good thing. If I am thinking about something creative that my spouse might do to share with me, this is a good thing.
If the mind wanders to impossible situations, to adding more people than just the spouse, to sexual situations rather than the sharing of sexuality with one's spouse as a person, then this is sinful. I used to think that if I dreamed up all these elaborate scenarios that I knew would never happen that there was no harm to it. I even went so far as to think that it would enhance the time with my spouse.
It was only after I stopped writing erotica that I realized how twisted this line of thinking is. It is such an easy lie to believe that almost the entire romance genre of books and movies is built upon it, even those that aren't entirely erotic by nature.
It is in the present that we live most fully. It is in the present that God dwells within us. It is within the present that we can give to each other as man and wife. It is within the present that we can share the sexual experience.
By no means do I want to convey that there is not supposed to be build-up. There most certainly is build-up and there should be build-up. But, it is a shared build-up that happens in the present with each other.
I don't pretend to have the answers for how to retrain the mind to stay in the present and to stay focused on the other and the gift that sexuality is. I am very much in the learning phase of this. I'm sure I'll be learning for a long time. But, I feel strongly called to put my hands on my keyboard and write.
Focus on the present.
This is my own personal lesson for the day.
Amen
With this idea in mind, I am going to do a few blog posts on the same topic: What I have learned about the lies of sexuality through my own sins of writing erotica.
Lie: Spending an lot of time fantasizing about sinful things enhances the sexual experience with one's spouse.
I do believe that God gave us the ability to fantasize, and that the mind is where all the sparks fly. But, where does the mind really go when thinking about unholy things? What I mean is, if I am thinking about a wonderful, intimate sharing with my spouse in the past, this is a good thing. If I am thinking about something I intend to share with my spouse in the future, this is a good thing. If I am thinking about something creative that my spouse might do to share with me, this is a good thing.
If the mind wanders to impossible situations, to adding more people than just the spouse, to sexual situations rather than the sharing of sexuality with one's spouse as a person, then this is sinful. I used to think that if I dreamed up all these elaborate scenarios that I knew would never happen that there was no harm to it. I even went so far as to think that it would enhance the time with my spouse.
It was only after I stopped writing erotica that I realized how twisted this line of thinking is. It is such an easy lie to believe that almost the entire romance genre of books and movies is built upon it, even those that aren't entirely erotic by nature.
It is in the present that we live most fully. It is in the present that God dwells within us. It is within the present that we can give to each other as man and wife. It is within the present that we can share the sexual experience.
By no means do I want to convey that there is not supposed to be build-up. There most certainly is build-up and there should be build-up. But, it is a shared build-up that happens in the present with each other.
I don't pretend to have the answers for how to retrain the mind to stay in the present and to stay focused on the other and the gift that sexuality is. I am very much in the learning phase of this. I'm sure I'll be learning for a long time. But, I feel strongly called to put my hands on my keyboard and write.
Focus on the present.
This is my own personal lesson for the day.
Amen
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Lies I Once Believed
There are many lies that are easy to believe when faced with the choice to continue sinning. There are many different types of sins, but I think all of these lies apply to sin in general. I write these from the voice of a sinner. I am a sinner, and it is Christ's mercy and grace that keep me at his side, even after I stumble.
Lies I Have Told Myself About Sin
If I tell myself that _______ action isn't wrong, I can continue doing it.
Nobody will get hurt if I do ______. This doesn't concern anybody else.
Nobody else will find out.
I decide what is right and wrong. _______ isn't wrong.
I can stop doing ________ at any time, so it's no big deal. I'll stop doing _________ later.
I don't have to listen to what the Church says about ________. (And the ever popular extension of this -- A bunch of old, celibate men in Rome don't know about ________, so I don't have to listen to the Church. Those old celibate guys in Rome actually do know what they're talking about because the Holy Spirit is guiding the Church.)
Popular culture depicts _________ as ok, so it mustn't be wrong that I'm doing it.
I've already done _________, so doing ____________ (pick a different sin or the same sin) shouldn't be too bad. I'm already in the state of sin. (I call this the bad dieter mentality. I've already had a handful of chips, so having the whole bag isn't bad. I've already broken the diet for the day. Or, I've already had the bag of chips, so having ice cream now isn't going to hurt anything. I'll just do better tomorrow.)
Other Christian denominations don't say __________ is a sin.
________ is normal.
The list goes on and on. All of them are lies because any excuse to sin is wrong. Sin is wrong. Evil talks us into committing evil because evil is seductive. Once having committed evil, though, we then begin to see it as normal. There must be something to break the cycle of evil. Otherwise, it continues and snowballs.
Christ breaks this cycle of evil, but we have to be willing to allow him into our lives. Surrendering to him is all it takes because all things are possible with Christ.
Let him in, and he'll heal our wounds. There will surely be clean up on our own part as well, but Christ helps us.
What do I mean by cleanup?
I'll use my past sins of writing erotica online. It wasn't enough for me to stop writing it and then to disappear into the shadows of the Internet. I felt called to start this blog as well as my other blog, Buried Treasure, Field of Mercy. The public nature of my sins has caused others to commit sins. Now, I feel that Christ has called me to write things that will help others to avoid sin and to walk with him.
I fought God as he gently asked me to write my story here. Whereas the filth I had been writing was written under the pretense of being fiction, this blog is highly personal. It is difficult for me to write. I have to talk myself into doing it every time I sit down to my keyboard. Christ helps me, and I gladly accept the help because this is something I cannot do on my own.
~~~
Lord Jesus,
Help us to be faithful to you, to follow you, and always seek to act in ways that are pleasing to you. When we fail, please help us to express sorrow for the things we have done and then to return to you. Help us to see the open arms you extend to us. Help us to form a clear resolve to turn away from sin so that we can prop open the doors to our hearts for you to fill us with your presence.
Amen
Lies I Have Told Myself About Sin
If I tell myself that _______ action isn't wrong, I can continue doing it.
Nobody will get hurt if I do ______. This doesn't concern anybody else.
Nobody else will find out.
I decide what is right and wrong. _______ isn't wrong.
I can stop doing ________ at any time, so it's no big deal. I'll stop doing _________ later.
I don't have to listen to what the Church says about ________. (And the ever popular extension of this -- A bunch of old, celibate men in Rome don't know about ________, so I don't have to listen to the Church. Those old celibate guys in Rome actually do know what they're talking about because the Holy Spirit is guiding the Church.)
Popular culture depicts _________ as ok, so it mustn't be wrong that I'm doing it.
I've already done _________, so doing ____________ (pick a different sin or the same sin) shouldn't be too bad. I'm already in the state of sin. (I call this the bad dieter mentality. I've already had a handful of chips, so having the whole bag isn't bad. I've already broken the diet for the day. Or, I've already had the bag of chips, so having ice cream now isn't going to hurt anything. I'll just do better tomorrow.)
Other Christian denominations don't say __________ is a sin.
________ is normal.
The list goes on and on. All of them are lies because any excuse to sin is wrong. Sin is wrong. Evil talks us into committing evil because evil is seductive. Once having committed evil, though, we then begin to see it as normal. There must be something to break the cycle of evil. Otherwise, it continues and snowballs.
Christ breaks this cycle of evil, but we have to be willing to allow him into our lives. Surrendering to him is all it takes because all things are possible with Christ.
Let him in, and he'll heal our wounds. There will surely be clean up on our own part as well, but Christ helps us.
What do I mean by cleanup?
I'll use my past sins of writing erotica online. It wasn't enough for me to stop writing it and then to disappear into the shadows of the Internet. I felt called to start this blog as well as my other blog, Buried Treasure, Field of Mercy. The public nature of my sins has caused others to commit sins. Now, I feel that Christ has called me to write things that will help others to avoid sin and to walk with him.
I fought God as he gently asked me to write my story here. Whereas the filth I had been writing was written under the pretense of being fiction, this blog is highly personal. It is difficult for me to write. I have to talk myself into doing it every time I sit down to my keyboard. Christ helps me, and I gladly accept the help because this is something I cannot do on my own.
~~~
Lord Jesus,
Help us to be faithful to you, to follow you, and always seek to act in ways that are pleasing to you. When we fail, please help us to express sorrow for the things we have done and then to return to you. Help us to see the open arms you extend to us. Help us to form a clear resolve to turn away from sin so that we can prop open the doors to our hearts for you to fill us with your presence.
Amen
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
What Do I Notice?
Lately, I have tried to pay attention to how often I compliment people on things that don't matter much. It's amazing how often I say, "I really like your shoes/dress/sweater/pin/new haircut etc." I find myself noticing the shade of blue someone is wearing while missing other important things such as if the person seems down in the dumps.
It's much easier to talk about shoes for 2 minutes in passing than it is to really ask how someone is doing. There's, "How are you?" and then there's, "How are you?" I don't ask, "How are you?" nearly enough.
There are a few people with whom I find myself becoming annoyed because of personality clashes or downright odd behavior at random times. But, since paying attention to how often I actually ask people how they are doing, I noticed that one of the people I get annoyed with is really a sweet person who does ask after me a lot. She still does things that I find strange from time to time, but she also asks how I'm doing both when it is convenient and when it is not.
I learned today that social convention is really backward. Which would I rather have, someone who likes my orange sweater today or somebody who notices when I don't feel well or am sad? Do I really want to be the person who avoids asking if someone is feeling ok by finding something dreadfully superficial to fill a few social minutes of passing time?
It's much easier to talk about shoes for 2 minutes in passing than it is to really ask how someone is doing. There's, "How are you?" and then there's, "How are you?" I don't ask, "How are you?" nearly enough.
There are a few people with whom I find myself becoming annoyed because of personality clashes or downright odd behavior at random times. But, since paying attention to how often I actually ask people how they are doing, I noticed that one of the people I get annoyed with is really a sweet person who does ask after me a lot. She still does things that I find strange from time to time, but she also asks how I'm doing both when it is convenient and when it is not.
I learned today that social convention is really backward. Which would I rather have, someone who likes my orange sweater today or somebody who notices when I don't feel well or am sad? Do I really want to be the person who avoids asking if someone is feeling ok by finding something dreadfully superficial to fill a few social minutes of passing time?
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
A Missed Opportunity and a Gained Opportunity
Since seeking forgiveness for many years of actions that draped darkness over my soul, I have felt called to open my eyes and see the many homeless people who sell Contributors in the greater Nashville area. The Contributor is a street paper sold by vendors in public places. To qualify to be a vendor, the sellers of the papers have to be homeless or formerly homeless. Very close to my house is a mall and set of busy intersections. At several of these intersections, there are people selling papers.
There are two vendors in particular to whom I have decided to bring food. I don't want to use their real names but I don't want only refer to them as the two homeless men. For purposes of the blog, I'll call them my vendor friends. These two men are always together and helping each other out. They have introduced themselves to me as brothers. I'm not sure if they mean brothers by blood or brothers by something deeper than blood. Anyway, I try to bring them each a bag of food when I am able to do so.
Today, I saw them in the usual spot while I was on my way home from work. When I returned with the food a half hour later, they were no longer there. I drove around for a while and looked for them in a few different places, but my vendor friends were gone. Then, I drove to other places where I know other people usually sell The Contributor, but all of those vendors were gone for the night too.
My heart was heavy as I drove back home with the food. I was faced with a few options:
A) Drive home and save the food for tomorrow so I could give it to my vendor friends at a later time
B) Once home, eat the food since I hadn't eaten any supper yet.
C) Keep driving around looking for someone who could use the food
D) Call my vendor friends to find out where they were at that moment.
Option D scares me. This was why my heart was especially heavy. Vendor friend #2 gave me his cell phone number a week ago so that if something happened, I would know how to reach them. He explained that another man, such as myself, has been helping them and bought them a phone with some minutes on it for emergencies. Each of my vendor friends has been in the hospital lately. These men are in their sixties and both in bad health. They stand outside selling papers in even the heaviest of rain in order to make an honest living. It takes a toll on them.
I did not give vendor friend #2 my phone number in return. I'm still praying about whether it's God's will that I do so. I don't want to create dependence. This is the reason I tell myself for not having done so. The real reason, I fear, is that if they have my phone number and something serious does happen, I will need to take substantial action in order to help them.
I did not call them. Instead, I took the food home. I left it all bagged up and put it in the fridge so that tomorrow when I see them, I can try to give them the food right away rather than taking the time to prepare it.
I don't know if my decision was the wrong one or not.
Here's the reason I tell this story... Certainly it is not to toot my own horn and talk about feeding the poor. My reason for telling the story is this: I feel the temptation in this situation is not the choice of saving the food. The temptation and possibility for sin is in discouragement and beating myself up over what I didn't do. I made an honest attempt to do something good for other people, but my efforts didn't do anything today to actually help these two men. Focusing on the missed opportunity is how darkness creeps into a lit room.
I am very tempted and haunted by this type of thinking.
Instead of thinking this way, I should focus on the opportunity I gained. I was able to identify the discouragement creeping in and see it for what it was/is. Discouragement and beating oneself up serves only one purpose. It draws the focus of doing a good work to oneself rather than focusing on Christ and on other people. The food won't spoil in my refrigerator. My vendor friends will probably be selling papers in their usual location tomorrow, and the food will be eaten.
Maybe they had been given something by someone else and had already had their fill for that meal?
Maybe they had something else in their hands and couldn't carry the meals and water bottles I had packed.
Maybe they left early because they sold enough papers for a cheap motel room and would rather have the extra hour or two of rest than to continue to sell papers.
Maybe I'll never know why they weren't there in those moments. What I know is that even in missed opportunities, God seeks to touch our hearts. He calls us to seek him, to follow him, and to see him in others. Look at how many opportunities the apostles lost while following Jesus. He didn't turn them away. Instead, he told them stories and continued teaching them.
Or, what about the multitudes of individuals who gathered in crowds to hear Jesus speak or to ask for healing? In a crowd of tens of thousands, I'm sure many of those people were unable to physically hear a single word that came out of Jesus' mouth. But, they made the effort anyway.
~~~
Lord Jesus,
I pray that you will continue to teach me, especially in missed opportunities. Thank you for moving me to try and then try again even though I didn't see my friends in order to help them.
Amen
There are two vendors in particular to whom I have decided to bring food. I don't want to use their real names but I don't want only refer to them as the two homeless men. For purposes of the blog, I'll call them my vendor friends. These two men are always together and helping each other out. They have introduced themselves to me as brothers. I'm not sure if they mean brothers by blood or brothers by something deeper than blood. Anyway, I try to bring them each a bag of food when I am able to do so.
Today, I saw them in the usual spot while I was on my way home from work. When I returned with the food a half hour later, they were no longer there. I drove around for a while and looked for them in a few different places, but my vendor friends were gone. Then, I drove to other places where I know other people usually sell The Contributor, but all of those vendors were gone for the night too.
My heart was heavy as I drove back home with the food. I was faced with a few options:
A) Drive home and save the food for tomorrow so I could give it to my vendor friends at a later time
B) Once home, eat the food since I hadn't eaten any supper yet.
C) Keep driving around looking for someone who could use the food
D) Call my vendor friends to find out where they were at that moment.
Option D scares me. This was why my heart was especially heavy. Vendor friend #2 gave me his cell phone number a week ago so that if something happened, I would know how to reach them. He explained that another man, such as myself, has been helping them and bought them a phone with some minutes on it for emergencies. Each of my vendor friends has been in the hospital lately. These men are in their sixties and both in bad health. They stand outside selling papers in even the heaviest of rain in order to make an honest living. It takes a toll on them.
I did not give vendor friend #2 my phone number in return. I'm still praying about whether it's God's will that I do so. I don't want to create dependence. This is the reason I tell myself for not having done so. The real reason, I fear, is that if they have my phone number and something serious does happen, I will need to take substantial action in order to help them.
I did not call them. Instead, I took the food home. I left it all bagged up and put it in the fridge so that tomorrow when I see them, I can try to give them the food right away rather than taking the time to prepare it.
I don't know if my decision was the wrong one or not.
Here's the reason I tell this story... Certainly it is not to toot my own horn and talk about feeding the poor. My reason for telling the story is this: I feel the temptation in this situation is not the choice of saving the food. The temptation and possibility for sin is in discouragement and beating myself up over what I didn't do. I made an honest attempt to do something good for other people, but my efforts didn't do anything today to actually help these two men. Focusing on the missed opportunity is how darkness creeps into a lit room.
I am very tempted and haunted by this type of thinking.
Instead of thinking this way, I should focus on the opportunity I gained. I was able to identify the discouragement creeping in and see it for what it was/is. Discouragement and beating oneself up serves only one purpose. It draws the focus of doing a good work to oneself rather than focusing on Christ and on other people. The food won't spoil in my refrigerator. My vendor friends will probably be selling papers in their usual location tomorrow, and the food will be eaten.
Maybe they had been given something by someone else and had already had their fill for that meal?
Maybe they had something else in their hands and couldn't carry the meals and water bottles I had packed.
Maybe they left early because they sold enough papers for a cheap motel room and would rather have the extra hour or two of rest than to continue to sell papers.
Maybe I'll never know why they weren't there in those moments. What I know is that even in missed opportunities, God seeks to touch our hearts. He calls us to seek him, to follow him, and to see him in others. Look at how many opportunities the apostles lost while following Jesus. He didn't turn them away. Instead, he told them stories and continued teaching them.
Or, what about the multitudes of individuals who gathered in crowds to hear Jesus speak or to ask for healing? In a crowd of tens of thousands, I'm sure many of those people were unable to physically hear a single word that came out of Jesus' mouth. But, they made the effort anyway.
~~~
Lord Jesus,
I pray that you will continue to teach me, especially in missed opportunities. Thank you for moving me to try and then try again even though I didn't see my friends in order to help them.
Amen
My Past: A Little Background and Food for Thought
If you, the reader of this blog, were to Google the words, "Jen Bluekissed," you may find words and images that are upright and an attempt to seek to glorify God. Unfortunately, you will also probably find other words and images that are exactly the opposite. Please only Google, "Jen Bluekissed," if you combine it with other search terms that you know will net something good.
The reason I give rise to caution is because in the not too distant past, I wrote erotica and erotic romance ebooks. Some of these were self published ebooks, and I am trying diligently to scrub cyberspace clean of them. Others are works to which I don't hold the copyright, so they still show up in Google searches and can still be purchased through my previous publisher.
My real name is Jennifer Bloomquist. I'd greatly prefer you Google my real name. If you do, you'll find all kinds of scholarly articles written by somebody else who shares my name.
As is the case with so many sins, many of my past and present sins involve other people. I will not blog about these because I don't believe in sullying somebody else's good name. So, the blog entries here are edited. They are edited with the purpose of including only my own actions and my own reflections on those actions and how God's great love and mercy fits into my own life. I do not change stories, but I do hold back that which is not relevant to this blog's purpose.
I had/have great hesitation to start this blog. I felt/feel strongly called to write it, but I also don't know if there will be hypocrisy in my writing because I think that I'm being called to write about things I haven't figured out for myself how to do. But, as the saying goes, the best way to learn something is to teach someone else.
So, as I share snippets of my life, I pray for the humility to make the writing about Christ and Christ in others rather than being about me. I pray also that pride may not enter into my blog entries, as there is always the great temptation to self-inflate when relating and reflecting upon my life. May my words be humble.
Amen
The reason I give rise to caution is because in the not too distant past, I wrote erotica and erotic romance ebooks. Some of these were self published ebooks, and I am trying diligently to scrub cyberspace clean of them. Others are works to which I don't hold the copyright, so they still show up in Google searches and can still be purchased through my previous publisher.
My real name is Jennifer Bloomquist. I'd greatly prefer you Google my real name. If you do, you'll find all kinds of scholarly articles written by somebody else who shares my name.
As is the case with so many sins, many of my past and present sins involve other people. I will not blog about these because I don't believe in sullying somebody else's good name. So, the blog entries here are edited. They are edited with the purpose of including only my own actions and my own reflections on those actions and how God's great love and mercy fits into my own life. I do not change stories, but I do hold back that which is not relevant to this blog's purpose.
I had/have great hesitation to start this blog. I felt/feel strongly called to write it, but I also don't know if there will be hypocrisy in my writing because I think that I'm being called to write about things I haven't figured out for myself how to do. But, as the saying goes, the best way to learn something is to teach someone else.
So, as I share snippets of my life, I pray for the humility to make the writing about Christ and Christ in others rather than being about me. I pray also that pride may not enter into my blog entries, as there is always the great temptation to self-inflate when relating and reflecting upon my life. May my words be humble.
Amen
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